Totally bummed out beyond WORDS

[back dated May 5th 2005] So my wonderful husband is in the field and calls me everyday or vise versa. I love getting his calls and just hearing his sexy voice on the other end. Well last night when we were talking he had some not so great news to share with me. I wish last night I did not get a call from my soldier. My soldier said he is having a meeting this week with his higher up(you know who). They will be discussing him STAYING here under STOP LOSS. They will be letting him know no matter what he trys to do he will be deploying again. He told me that is going to FIGHT this as far as he can. But he told me to be ready for him to re-deploy to Iraq. Even though we were to leave July 25th. I am at a loss for words.
I mean yes, I know to expect this and deep down I was holding unto a glimmer of hope that my soldier would be spared going back to Iraq. I do not want him deploying back to the HELL hole he survived just last year. I was holding unto to faith that things would fall into place and get us out of Germany ASAP and away from this deployment with this unit he is in. It is not a well run unit, nor do I feel good about him returning with this unit. All my fears were put back into the basket. Another deployment to Iraq I will have to endure. I will be without my soldier for another 12+ months. I just really can not put into words what I am feeling right now. It is beyond words.
Nothing I could type would make your realize how my heart aches and my belly turns and my head hurts. NOTHING can describe the empty feelings I have now. I don't care if this his job, if he signed on the dotted line. Going to a war zone and yes it is STILL a war zone is not something ANYONE is looking forward too. We are still losing soldiers daily to Iraq. And I do not want my soldier to be one that dies for Iraq or for our President. His life is not worth that to me. He would not be serving his country this way, by dying by a roadside bomb or some other stupid azz reason other. I have to now think about being here in another country with hundreds of depressed wives stressed out beyond there means for 12+ months.
I am not looking forward to that AT ALL! I have to talk to my soldier but I think we will try to EDR before he deploys. I would much rather be in the states by my family for this, then be here in Germany sitting around and waiting. And if God forbid something happens to my soldier I will have all my family around me to help me cope with it. I do not want to be here and get the news from downrange and have some complete stranger trying to tell me how proudly my soldier served his country. My bubble has been burst. I held unto the little tiny bit of hope that my soldier would get out deploying. I let myself believe we would leave here. I should of known better then to do that. This is the fucking military I speak of, the ones that care about bodies in Iraq then really caring about the soldiers. Let us make sure we have every single body we can to maintain the troops levels and make sure we keep putting into harms ways soldiers for a cause not worth fighting for. The emotional torture that is put on military families is UNREAL.
I will now be re-thinking this deployment and mapping out something that will work for the kids and I. I do not want them suffering through yet another deployment without their daddy. I will make sure to hold my head up, support my husband, let him know I am here for him 110% when he deploys. But inside I am DYING. I made it through the 15 month deployment-barely the first time. We were separated 18 months total last time. This time even thinking about sending him back to Iraq is devastating to me. I now feel hopeless and lost inside. I do not want to lose the love of the life, not when we have such a wonderful marriage and such a beautiful family. I do not want my kids growing up with their daddy. I do not want to have to send letters and pictures and video's of the kids. I do not want to have to sit up ALL night waiting and hoping that my soldier comes online to talk to me. Or check my e-mail every ten minutes seeing if he sent me an e-mail to let me know he is okay! I do not have to think everyday if he will be coming home or not! I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN.
I want this to be OVER. When will this be over. When will we NOT be sending our soldiers to IRAQ to DIE. When we will bring them HOME??????? I want some answers. No more bullshitting around the questions. Make a damn plan Mr. Bush and get our soldiers HOME.
Okay I am going to go now, I have worked myself up and need to go calm down. I am not taking this news well at all. I am glad I have this blog to vent a bit, it helps... My soldier will call me ASAP after his meeting and let me know where things stands. My soldier does not go down without a FIGHT. He doesn't just roll with whatever someone says, he takes it higher and FIGHTS it. So send him some prayers that something breaks somewhere and he gets to leave this unit and base and go unto Hawaii and NOT HAVE TO DEPLOY for his second deployment to IRAQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Screaming at the TOP of my LUNGS!!!!!!! Does anyone hear me????????
Hugs and Prayers
Highly UPSET Army Wife-Bree