Deployments don't help my marriage at all. They put a year long wedge in between us that takes a year to undo and then he's deploying again. He's preparing for a deployment now so he'll soon be heading to the field for over 2 months. Then after the field he deploys. So in reality that leaves me being a single parent yet again for the third time. All three times the separation has been over 12 months. Mentally I'm ready for this deployment but emotionally I'm not. I don't want to spend 14+ months alone. I don't want to wait for phone calls, emails or a BUZZ from a chat session that my soldier is online. No matter what any military spouse tells you it's extremely lonely when your soldier deploys. Being home doing everything alone. Going to bed alone. Traveling alone. Not having someone here to be affectionate with you. Yes, you have girlfriends and they're great to get your fill of conversation and giggles. But they're not going to fill that loneliness. I use to wonder how military couples managed to get divorced when they've been together for so many years. Maybe the time spent apart slowly ripped away the fabric of their marriage. Maybe their marriage wasn't strong enough to survive. I'm not doubting my marriage to my soldier. I love him with all my heart. I knew that was his career choice when I met him. I knew if we married the military would be my lifestyle. I also married him before WAR. I did not know my life would consist of so much time apart and so many deployments. I'm a very strong women. I can endure more than most. But even the strongest women break and I think I'm becoming one them.
To ensure this deployment is going to be different I'm avidly looking for a paying job so I can afford to continue to scrapbook. That is the biggest STRESS relief I have found to help me get through all the lonely nights. And all the damn' waiting, pardon my french. I'm starting college classes so that in time I will have my own career to focus on. And of course I will continue my journey of losing weight one pound at time. I'm hoping these three things will help me make it through yet another deployment.
I think it's time to find myself. Get my life back on track. I'm tired of waiting, waiting, and waiting. I want to live life, and that starts NOW!