August 8, 2011

Dont You Dare Do That!

Every time we've endured a deployment my youngest child always seems to handle it the worst. Not just like an I'm missing my daddy sorta thing. It's always a full blown emotional breakdown with huge outbursts of screaming and not being able to calm herself down. None of this happened prior to deployments. It began in 2003 when she was 18 months old and they haven't stopped. She bonded emotionally with my husband when she was born not me so when he deployed when she was 18 months old she started acted out. These breakdowns are extremely draining on me. I tolerate them the best I can but I think when I ask my daughter to please go get dressed so I can go run errands and she blurts out screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO then proceeds to slam the doors all the way to her bedroom something is wrong here. How can you go from being happy and content to screaming at the top of your lungs and acting violently towards people and things. I already have so much on my plate that dealing with these breakouts makes me want to check myself  into a mental hospital till this deployment is over. I know my husband has a stressful job being in a war zone and I could never understand what he goes through but I am here dealing with a stressful situation on a non stop basis. Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD[Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.] During deployments I go into superwoman mode. I'm making sure my husband has everything he needs and more while he's deployed. Living for an entire year of constant fear, jumping each time the phone rings and looking out the window, praying that the person at your door is not wearing a uniform, takes it toll. I am a military wife, I am strong, I am proud but sometimes I need support as well. I think I have become combat weary. I'm not sure where I will go from here. My mother graciously offered for my daughter to come stay with her but I don't know if that is the solution. It might be a temporary one but what about the next time. What if my soldier decides to stay in instead of getting out and has to endure another deployment?


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