August 15, 2011

Sick & Tired

No I'm not always happy go lucky me. Times like tonight I'm just miserable old me. I'm having one of those days where I want to pull my hair out, curl up in bed listening to utterly depressing music and cry till I can't cry anymore! I'm sick and tired of being a military wife and dealing with all the bullshit that my soldier does while serving our country[some of you know what I'm talking about]some of you don't, sick and tired of deployments and being a single parent to my kids who could care less what I say because it goes in one ear and out the other, sick and tired of living in a foreign country and not being able to just take my children out on the economy without it costing me an arm and a leg to do something fun, sick of tired of the drama that goes on within our base, sick and tired of living in a stairwell A.K.A apartments, sick and tired of my kids fighting consistently and nit picking at each other day in and day out, sick and tired of trying to lose weight and eat healthy, sick and tired of of not working which is my own fault and I need to change that, sick and tired of not finishing my degree so I'm going to enroll back into school, sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to catch the next MAC flight leaving GERMANY going to Washington State ALONE and never look back. Just start MY life. WOW that sounds selfish, greedy, cruel but it's not. I've been a mother since I was 17. I have been worrying about another person while I was still a child myself. I NEVER have gotten a break. Motherhood at the age of 17.  Back to back to back deployments. A marriage that I'm always second guessing and will continue to do until I leave it. I'm done with it all. I want out. I want to punch my mommy time card and check out. I NEED A BREAK a seriously long 6-12 month mommy vacation away from my children and my husband. I need to get my head right and figure things out. I'm not doing anybody any good just living each day going through the motions of life when I'm not even living it myself. I tried taking my own life roughly about this time last year, unsuccessful as you see because I am still here. Won't go into detail as to why but sometimes I wonder what the fuck am I doing here???????????


No comments: